April 22, 2010

SOCIETY WATCH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH "NORMAL" MASTURBATION? (OR, KIDS, DON'T TRY TO DO EVERYTHING YOU READ ABOUT ON THE INTERNET)

In Germany, a 15-year old male teen just strangled himself. Hanging from a tree. While trying to use a scarf trying to do something that in fetish circles is called auto-erotic asphyxiation. Or in more plain terms, you cut off the blood supply to your brains just enough while you wank that you think you're on the verge of heaven.

Le petit mort, the French call that moment of utter bliss. The little death. Considering that auto-erotic asphyxiation has become so popular in our neighbouring country that every month one of these Darwin-Award nominees wind up finding out that their "little" death just got a lot longer...

... let me just take this moment to adress these kids.

Kids, don't be stupid. While sex is natural, sex is good (so George Michael sang, and boy, did he go on doing it pretty much everywhere where a pap camera or a police officer was), strangling yourself is cheating. Your body isn't experiencing pleasure, okay? You just think it does. What your body is actually doing is pretty much the same it does in those final moments on the gallows, when upon death the body does all kinds of weird things as the brain loses control. Of the bladder. Of your rectum. Of your sex drive. You piss. You shit. You come.

There. Doesn't that appealing anymore, does it?

A proper le petit mort requires two (or more, if that is your fancy) people, preferably two people who love each other. And no, I'm not making a moral judgement here, I'm basing this on the fact that the body's hormones get in sync with that emotion, which acts as a chemical enhancement of your sexual act.

And not only is it more fun to do things together, it also will not have you show up as literally a sad and pathetic wanker in the newspaper.

Think about that, kids.

The next time that winter scarf looks so appealing, okay? Use it to tie up your girlfriend or boyfriend, have him or her tie you up, be creative and celebrate the fact that you're together.

Don't be a sad, pathetic and dead wanker.