June 14, 2010

THE WRITE STUFF: ONE ACT TO GO (FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME)

Yes, I am working. And have watched football. What? It's called multi-tasking! One more act for The Cage to go. and with each rewrite it gets better. And shorter. Give me another fifteen passes, and I will have finally reached nirvana.

The whole pilot will then be down to one word!

I believe that word will be "fuck".

I'm still quite unhappy that I have to take out a brilliant line that deals with the Catholic Church in general and the Pope in particular. Americans, tsk, tsk. They continue to shit in their pants when it comes to anything of religious power. Weakest-minded people, really, in the Western civilization, when it comes to that. But if you offend the Catholics? Oh dear! You won't get into heaven, I guess, and Baby Jesus' blood was spilled for naught.

Maybe that's why they love their nuclear missiles so much and would hump them if they could. I don't know.

Despite the fact (and those who have read this blog know) that the Catholic Church is the poster child for pedophilia. I am still perplexed how weak people are who cannot make the distinction between the teachings of Christ and the corrupt, callous and selfish institutions that hijacked him.

Then again, this is Hollywood, so a somewhat retarded faith in the agent system comes with the territory, I guess. No, you talk to God! I'll give you ten percent if you can get me that parking spot next to Jesus' SUV! Yeah, you know the one. It says "I break for no fucking Muslim!" and smaller, underneath it "I won't break for Jews, either".

But, to give them credit, they didn't tell me what to replace the line with.

If they had, I would have walked out of the door. I don't let anybody tell me anymore what they want me to write. Not when it comes to that. I'm okay to play ball and take into account the cultural differences as much as I can, but I would never again replace "My Pet Goat" in a line like I did when I wrote 10 Beautiful Assassins, just to get out of an argument with a retarded publisher, who would suck George W. Bush's dick if he ever got close enough to it.

And so I am thinking on what to replace it with. Something that is just as edgy.

At 11 PM.

Yes, I am cranky. What? Want to make something of it?

One act to go, and I have come up with something that is even faster than the last draft. If I go even faster than this, I am worried that the audience will get whiplash upon watching the show. I have never written anything that moves this fast now. Well, not quite true. I have a script I'm writing that is even faster, but there I am stuck until I am done with this here.

Last night I watched an AMC pilot called Rubicon. Which was one of the weirdest bullshit I have ever seen. It's supposed to be a conspiracy thriller show, and I shit you not, while it takes place today, the CIA appaently uses computer systems that still run on B&W and apparently on Mac OS 8.x.

In a world nine years after 9/11. In a world with iSomethings. Of cell phones and instant information flow. But the whole point of this show was... it doesn't matter. None of the CIA analysts use a computer. The apartments look like they come from the 1970s. Analysis gets done through books and on black boards. I shit you not. Black boards!

It was the most ridiculous shit I have ever seen.

I mean, I get it. It's difficult to write anything that takes places in today's world. The audience will constantly ask "Why the fuck isn't he using his iSomething to iGoogle the iMap of iCity. I know I would!" It seriously makes writing a shitload more difficult.

It was easier to write in the 1970s. Seriously.

You didn't have to deal with any of this.

You could have secret meetings without being picked up by CCTV or security drones.

You could set a scene in a library (well, the library, really), where Robert Redford and Dustin Huffman are looking for clues on the Nixon White House. Beautiful stuff. Stuff that shoots well. That particular scene, for example, showed you the magnitude of the conspiracy. That stuff made you know how small, how insignifant these two reporters were.

Now? You click on your iSomething.

Not the same impact, really.

But the creator shouldn't complain. He should adapt. I just created a scene that takes full advantage of a car's navigation system in order to relay a bit of important information. And it works quite flawlessly.  Always keep the reality of today's world in the back of your head. Always keep the reality of your audience in the back of your head. You need to connect to them.

And so, with apologies to William Goldmann, who is a writing god, dude, you had it a lot easier than anybody today.