June 30, 2010

WHY THE NEXT PERSON TELLING ME "THIS WILL BE HARRY POTTER" IS GOING TO FIND MY BOOT IN HIS ASS SO DEEP HE'LL THINK HE'S BEEN EATING LEATHER FOR WEEKS

You hear it all the time in pitches, those sacred hybrid sentence clusterfucks that get passed around between producers, studio executives and/or publishers, especially in the United States. This movie/book/tv show will be x meets y! It will be awesome!

And yeah, I've done it. I'm actually pretty good at it. I've been complimented on it nuermous times, on how well I pitch. The thing why I am so good at it? I know I am talking to people with an incredibly limited amount of creative intelligence. Intellectually challenged people.

Yes. That's right, class. People who have the attention span of a goldfish on crack.

Their favourite x or y? Since roughly 2003?

Harry Potter. It will be like Harry Potter. You know? Harry Potter. Potter. Potter mania. Potter merchandise. Potter! You'll be potter'ed! Potter! Potter! Potter!

Only of course they don't really mean Harry Potter. Or what he is. Because that would mean to think about J.K. Rowling actually did. She created a world. Her world. Her rules. And then she proceeded to tell a story in it.

No. That's not what I mean. What the mention of Harry Potter in a pitch, any pitch means is this, you'll make gobs of money! Did I mention the money? It will be so much that every fucking whore in this town will spread her legs for you! And you know that the degree of a whore spreading her legs is directly connected to the thickness of your... wallet. Yes, that's right! You'll make so much money that whores will lick sugar-sprinkled whip cream off your dick cheese! Can you imagine it? That's what I'm talking about here, bitch. Money! Do this movie, and you'll have books, comic books, toys, video games, man, you'll know when you've been merchandise fucked.

What they don't mention, of course, is what made J.K. Rowling this successful. A bit of luck? Yes. Absolutely. But more than that... a shitload of respect for her audience. She didn't write it to make the quick buck. She didn't turn to somebody and said, you know what? This will be x meets y. This will be the Sword in the Stone meets Eaton! This will be the Lord of the Rings with...

... she sat down and created a world. And however we want to frame it, however we might be justified and right about criticising some of Harry Potter's world, when she started out, she did it on her own. Created that world. On her own. Pulling from numerous sources. On her own. And filled that world with respect for her characters.

I read one of those pitches the other day. I'm not going to say which one it was. Or from whom I got it. But there it was. This will be Harry Potter with...

And it took all of my strength to not put a boot in that person's ass.

I don't know how much longer I will possess such strength.

The arrogance. The disrespect. The ignorance.

All wrapped up together in a shit sandwich that tells you, eat this shit up, bitch. Think about the money! Take one for the team! And for the money!