July 12, 2010

THE WRITE STUFF: THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN A BUNCH OF L.A. IDIOTS WRITE ABOUT MAGIC


It's then called Sorcerer's Apprentice and is filled with every cliché known to the moviegoing audience, including – obviously – Merlin, Fairies and Morgana LeFay. It's as if everybody in LA and working in the industry has read the same three books. No. Wait. No. Probably watched the same three movies, because it appears they can't be bothered to read.

Reading. Hurts. Brain.

Merlin. Morgana Le Fay. Oh, for fuck's sakes.

Let's pick out a few choice reviews that matter, shall we?
This tedious tale is wrapped up with chases, magic duels and other CGI magic, while comedy is meant to arise from Cage and Baruchel's banter, which essentially denies that the fate of the world or anything important is at stake.

Perhaps it's a hangover from the remarkably imaginative and energetic "Inception," but nothing in this movie about magic, competently directed by Jon Turteltaub, feels the least bit magical. There is one sequence that pays tribute to the film's supposed source, the eight-minute "Sorcerer's Apprentice" sequence in Disney's 1940 "Fantasia," starring Mickey Mouse. But, really, every sequence feels like it was based on other movies -- from "The Karate Kid" training sessions in magic to the morphing of bugs or infinite granules of dust into evil beings straight out of "The Mummy."

Yes, I believe in Hell. A forbidden, initiatory secret of The Eleusinian Mysteries states – in prison jargon – that you can either do “hard time or good time” in Hell. Sitting through THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE earned me “good time” credits toward my eternal damnation sentence.

But most of the subsequent action has to do with the ability to summon and hurl plasma bolts from your fingertips, as opposed to finding an inventive application for the magic. That would require actual imagination, something that still doesn’t come in a computer program, the way those special effects do.

-Marshall Fine, Hollywod And Fine
Yes, boys and girls. Magic changes everything. Or should. Even story structure and narrative. And having been tormented by an idiot publisher who also thought, you know, wands. And magic balls. And shit. That's cool throughout writing It Takes A Wizard, I know how pathetically small some of these people's brains are. Maybe I'll think up some review about a movie version of It Takes A Wizard, as it were written by the same type of people.

You know, just to have a laugh.