October 18, 2010


I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone for much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find where I went wrong

Too Much Love Will Kill You
if you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover and the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster 'cos you never read the signs
Too Much Love Will Kill You - every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I have to lose

Too Much Love Will Kill You
just as sure as none at all,
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too Much Love Will Kill You - every time

Too Much Love Will Kill You
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, Too Much Love Will Kill You
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too Much Love Will Kill You
In the end.......
In the end.

It's worse in autumn. Or in winter. It gets dark out there, and the darkness creeps into you, catches up with the moment. Right now is one of these moments. It's dark out there, and the winds are howling around that 1950s brick apartment building where I live right now. It's not a home, but it is good enough.

I had a good day today.

I wrote six pages. Good pages. I worked out for an hour and a half. And by that, I mean I ran over 15 km on my treadmill, listening to Madonna, Peter Gabriel and the other usual suspects from the 1980s I have loaded on my MP3 player to get me going, to shut out the world from my mind.

I had a good day today.

Certainly better than most of the past few months that were often filled with agonising pain, and certainly better than most of my nights, which have been filled with even more pain, and often leave me awake, clutching my shoulder, stretching my arm and trying to make my right hand into a fist to give me that feeling that it's still there, that it's still part of my body and not merely a useless chunk of flesh.

But it's dark out there now. And it comes out of nowhere. And crushes you.

It howls worse than the wind, because it is inside you, and it shouldn't be. You should have let it out, a long time ago. You know what she is. You have proof of what she is. You did all you could. And still, when it's dark, it comes back. Not all the time, no, all the time would make you slip into insanity. And you are far too rational to let that happen.

But it's dark out there now.

For RETIRED, I created a man who can see the future. And that is all he can see. Possibilities. Probabilities. Certainties. The future, a fractal fuck in black and white. I created him, because I know what that feels like. He is very likely the reason why I was unaware of the past catching up with me. Inside me. In my mind.

In my heart.

I know what she is. I have proof of what she is.

But it's dark out there.

And my heart is heavy. Sleep will be a bitch tonight. I am used to it by now. And tomorrow will be another day. There is always tomorrow. And with it, possibilities. I only have to make it through the night. It's not that difficult. It's just a ghost.

Ghosts have no power.

Not it you don't let them.