November 15, 2010

GERMANY'S SCUM BUCKET OF THE WEEK: PHILIPP RÖSLER, HEALTH MINISTER


Look at this man. If you – like my parents – live in Germany, you know him already. If you are – like my parents – chronically ill, you may wish to throw shoes or shoot arrows at the television, or simply push your fist through its screen whenever this scum bucket appears.

He appears quite a lot.

His name is Philipp Rösler. He is Germany's health minster. He is a neo-liberal. You know what that means, right? It's the quasi-religious delusion that has you shout "free markets will solve everything" randomly at political meetings or – more likely – in TV talk shows that are filled with "experts" and "elite politicians" who discuss things that we mere mortals simply cannot comprehend in its complexity.

Such neo-liberal delusion should have you consult a doctor, but since Mr. Rösler is in charge of our health system, well, kids, you are just shit out of luck there. Can't afford it. Can't afford anything, really, everything's getting more expensive in the health care system, and the only solution according to Mr. Rösler is...

... can you guess?

FREE MARKETS! FREE MARKETS! FREE MARKETS!

Philipp Rösler is not only the head of the health minsitry, though.

He is also a liar, a hypocrite, and this week's scum bucket.

See, Mr. Rösler fiercely believes in the power of the free market... for you.

For himself, eh, not so much. And since the German media fawns over him, always pointing out that "he is a doctor, and that means he knows what he is talking about, expert, rah rah rah", let us do what they should have done and take a closer look at Mr. Rösler's life.

That's right, Philipp! Come on down! This is your life!

Let me show you what your own life would have been worth at various stages of your existence. Why, in your case we can even start at your very birth. In Vietnam. Not Germany. Vietnam. You know what the life of a foreign baby is worth on the world market today? Well, nothing, really, unless you are very cute and Angelina Jolie just happens to have her secret vagina alert go meep meep meep as she passes by your orphanage.

Oh, that didn't happen. So I guess the reason you even have a career in Germany is the fact that the Catholic Church got your tiny butt out of Vietnam while you were nine months old and dropped you off in Germany.

Know what that is called? Compassion. And while it starts with the same letter as "capitalism", I somehow don't think that would be part of the free markets. See, it isn't, because if we had treated you according to those beliefs, well, guess you would probably have become some kind of exploited garment worker in the Vietnamese slave industry today.

Tough shit to all those who were left behind, isn't it?

Thank god it wasn't you! No, really. Thank god. Now. Do it.

You're Catholic, too, aren't you?

But you came here. Where you were worthless. Sorry. According to your own beliefs, a foreign baby? In Germany? Dude, we should have turned your ass around.

But no, you got adopted. And here is where it gets funny. Not funny haha, just funny. The couple who adopted you was German, quite obviously, and your adopted Dad was an amzingly cunning businessman, who...

... oh wait, he wasn't! He was a flight instructor for the German Army. What? A guy with a state job? No wonder you are advocating the free market philosophy. You are still rebelling against your Dad. I mean, gosh, it must have been so fucking stifling to grow up in that household, where the long arm of the socialist state just...

...oh, wait! That is not what happened, is it? You got through school, you got your Abitur (which is kind of the equivalent to community college, for those who are not Germany), and you immedately went out into the wild blue yonder of the free market system, with your entrepeneur's spirit, your massive ideas and...

.. immediately after school signed up to become an officer in Germany's army.

Whooops!

How the hell did that happen? Did you have to do some soul searching? Was it the fact that you wanted to serve your country? Oh no, that wasn't it, right? Because you didn't sign up with the fighting troops!

You didn't become a mountaineer. Not a Panzergrenadier! Not a Navy officer. You went straight into the extremely "I am sure not to see any real fighting" medical services! It was the fact that the German army officer system will allow you to get a fucking complete medical school scholarship, fully paid by... come on, Philipp! Tell it to Daddy! Tell us who paid for your entire education!

THE GERMAN TAXPAYER PAID FOR EVERYTHING YOU ARE!

That's right, Philipp! You freeloaded. You studied on the backs of those that – according to your own philosophy of "self-reliance" and "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps" – should be allowed to go under, in those "free markets".

You stayed in the army until 2003, and then – oh me oh my – there's them free markets for you now, finally, you could get your own practice, you could make all your dreams come true, because the free markets, they were yours to take...

... oh, wait. That didn't happen, either. That optomology degree that often is quoted in those media reports about you, you didn't finish it, did you? In fact, you have never done medicine outside the comfort zone of the German Armed Forces medical establishment, paid for and fully funded by the German tax payer!

The moment your ass touched the free markets, you decided to keep it warm by become a full-time politician for the neo-liberal FDP party, because, let's face it, with your background? Young? Of foreign descent?

Honey, you were a media event waiting to happen! And straight into the Niedersachsen (Lower Saxony) State Parliament you went! Your ass must have been so red from being dragged pretty much straight from your Army service into being a representative, where you were ...

...PAID AGAIN BY THE GERMAN TAXPAYER.

Yes, people of the world. Here is a guy who tells you all to stand up on your own, to become self-reliant, to let the free markets regulate everything.

A MAN WHO HAS NOT HELD ANY JOB IN THE FREE MARKETS IN HIS ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE! WHO HAS THROUGHOUT HIS ENTIRE LIFE ALWAYS BEEN PAID BY THE GERMAN STATE, WHICH MEANS... BY YOU, THE TAX PAYER!

Of course, none of this will be made a fuzz about in the media. Who knows. Somebody might take a closer look at what they have been doing. In their careers. Right?

But here it is. The truth. It shall set you free.

Philipp Rösler. Politician. Liar. Hyprocrite.

And the scum bucket of the week.