January 23, 2011
CORPORATE AMERICA TO TEENS: DON'T HAVE SEX, BUY CARS AND FAST FOOD INSTEAD
You know, the ones they masturbate into. While they fill their faces with fast food shit that balloons them as they drive their big whoppers. No, wait. Cars. Fast food. Guns. Sex. I am missing something here, right?
Well, somebody was masturbating into something, and Americans teenagers have no sex. That's right. She'll always be your little princess kitten, daddy. Why is it that sex is so bad? Because it is bad for the American (and by American, I mean multinational corporations) economy! You know, the one where everything else is a sex substitute.
Food. Here, have some more, yum yum yum, all that gooey goodness that drips and drops from the open gash of a Taco Bell taco super-special meal. You never had it that good.
Cars. Here you go, feel the power underneath your bottom as you drive around in your General Motors fuck-you-mobile, because if there is something to fuck, then it better be violent and it better be made out of metal.
If you are a real American, you are here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and hell, you ain't going to chew on pussy. You are no pussy, and you ain't gonna chew on one.
[UPDATE INSERT] Incidentally, to all the men who think like that? You are missing out on one of the most beautiful, most intimate things you can experience. It's not a dirty thing, you know? It is a kiss, and doesn't she open up to you, then? Doesn't she give herself to you? Here is something you should think about. A wham bam thank you, Ma'am is something she can do all on her own, thank you very much. And your dick, as much as you are proud of it, only comes in your shape and your size, while she can buy all shapes and sizes over the internet. And those things can vibrate. I mean, when was the last time your dick could do that? When you were sitting on top of your washer-dryer, maybe, and at that point, it sure wasn't much of a help to her.
But your tongue? Your tongue is love. And her taste on it? Is love. You should worship it, because she gives it to you as you give yourself to her. I never understood why men see it as something bad. Or at least some men. One of these days I will have to analyse that. [END/UPDATE INSERT]
Anyway, so those companies immediately pulled their commercials from that incredibly tame, ridiculously looking "real, hard look at the life of American teenagers".
Because it doesn't promote "American values".
Oh, how adorable!
Perhaps it is time for America to, I don't know, maybe wake up from the suburbian slumber it has been under since roughly 1981, where everything is shiny, simple and bland. And paid for by credit cards. For that is the real "American value" these companies try to promote, and with them, the right-wing parents groups that are not really parents groups at all.
Credit. And consumption.
Teenagers have sex. Teenagers like to experiment. Teenagers will only do it more if you tell them that it is forbidden, mkay? Because forbidden is good, forbidden is great, forbidden means that they are not like you, Mum and Dad! News flash! Your teenage children don't want to be like you!
Be content with the knowledge that you didn't want to be like your parents, either.
And look what you've become. Exactly like them.