August 17, 2012

I USED TO HAVE SO MUCH MERCY

About a month ago, I asked here in my last post here "why we should fight for you?"

I'm not asking anymore. I have found my answer. I won't fight.

Not for you. Not anymore.

Maybe, no, strike that, most likely never again.

I'm retiring from this fight. I'm hanging up my journalistic, my news commentator's guns. It wasn't an easy decision to make, because over the past months, I have increasingly seen my work on Twitter as my duty and my obligation, but not as anything that I liked to do. But I was brought up by my parents with that sense of duty, or as I once wrote "Somebody has to do something, but what the grownups never tell you is that it means, something had to be done, and they sure as hell better not be the one doing it".

In my personal and my professional life I have always been that somebody.

I never stood up for myself and always tried to stand up for others, because that's "what you do".

I took the hits and I took the feeling of emptiness and worked myself way past the point of pain, because that's "what you do".

I watched and shouted and pointed out the truth, because "that's what you do".

I did this as a conscious choice

I did it, because I grew up, always thinking, always being reminded of the fact that in the worst of times, in the chaos, in those days leading up to the chaos, somebody had to say something. I deluded myself, and yes, it was a delusion, that if only more people would have had the courage to speak up, to stand up, to shout out, Hitler wouldn't have happened.

I was wrong.

I see the future of this world, and it's its past.

When I began to no longer delude myself that standing up and speaking out would have a damn impact on whatever will happen to this world, I still did it, telling myself that at least someone had to do it, that somebody had to be recording the descent, so that nobody later could say "But we didn't know! Nobody ever said anything! How were we supposed to know?"

I used to have so much mercy.

It's a quote, and it's not the full quote, maybe one of the best quotes from Dr. Who.

The full one is "I am so old now. I used to have so much mercy. You get one warning. That was it."

I'm so old now. I used to have this mercy.

You get one warning. This is it.

I used to have so much compassion, so much understanding, so much tolerance towards you, the "people". You, the "good people". I used to have so much faith in you. So much hope for you. Thinking that if only you had the chance, if you only had the choice, you would rise above the hatred, the selfishness, the thinking of entitlement, that you would rise above complacency, above the limitations of your cultures, your religions, your upbringing, your class.

That you would become better than what you are.

Not to please a god. Not to please yourself.

But because being better, being compassionate, being merciful... is a conscious choice.

It has always been for me. For all of my life, despite the shit I went through, despite the hits I took, despite the fights I lost, I always made this conscious choice. To show mercy. To give a helping hand. To not care about what happens to me, as long as it would be helpful.

I used to have so much mercy.

Because it is all about that choice.

Now all I have is contempt. Because you are not better. You do not wish to be better. You dress up arrogance as advice, you dress up selfishness as kindness. When given the choice, you went willingly, are walking in lock step with those who promise you that you'll be better, and not in the right way, but in the way of being better off yourself.

You whine and moan about your rights, and your rights alone. You dress up in your faiths and your religion, your genders and your races, and you whine that you as a group should have it better, that others should look at you while you look down on others.

You are Muslims who whine that nobody respects you, that you deserve tolerance, that you deserve respect, that nobody better criticize you while you abuse and oppress women who are trying to stand up and have those same rights within your culture, within your faith, while you hunt down gay men and women and lock them up, if they are lucky, while you spit on them, hurt them, kill them, while you hate Jews and cheer every time one of them dies.

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are Christians who look away when your own church rapes children, who want to take away a woman's right to choose, who think that your faith and religion gives you the right to rape the planet, that you are the crown of creation, who are screaming for the blood of Muslims, who are shouting for war as long as you don't have to go, who support leaders that kill hundreds and thousands of innocents through drone strikes, who scream for the death penalty, who only ever do care about the rituals of your faith, who think that these rituals are reason enough to go to that magical place, where everything is fluffy, niggers won't bother you and it looks like a 1950s sitcom.

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are Jews who still delude yourself that you are the chosen ones, who rob land, who shoot children and women, who threaten with war, with nuclear force, even, as if these are the actions of a sane man, you are selfish, hurtful and arrogant when given the choice, who have forgotten what the real lesson of the past should have been, just as everyone else has forgotten, who walk in lockstep with your own racism, your own delusions of grandeur, dressed up as victimhood.

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are men who laugh about women behind their backs and in their faces, who think that they are weaker, that they deserve a place in the kitchen, who think that there is no equality of rights, who would never say it out loud, but who show it every day by not allowing women to work, not allowing them to rise in the workplace, who don't give them the same money as you give yourself, who shut them out, who willingly confuse equal rights and equal opportunities with being equal physically.

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are women who deny other women the right to choose what path they wish to take, who think your path is the only one, who dress up your selfishness and your loathing of men as feminism, who whine and moan only when it concerns yourself and who would never stand up for a man's rights, because you think they don't deserve any of these rights, delude yourself that men already have everything, now it's your time, now now and me me me, you show no compassion to a man in need of your help, you manipulate behind their backs and tell yourself that's all right, because "they have done this to my gender for centuries, it's payback time".

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are races who look down on each other, who only whine if it's you who is oppressed, who only care if it's your skin color, your culture that is looked down upon while doing the same elsewhere, where you are in control, who show me that the color of skin is worthless, that blacks can oppress whites with the same ease as it was the other way around, who show this to me in places like Uganda, Kenia, South Africa, who prove to me every day that you are not better, you are the same, and hey, equality, right? Who now do the same as it was done to them.

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are nations who still think you are better because of your history, because of great deeds, inventions and thoughts, none of which were your own, that were the thoughts, deeds and inventions of a few who had to fight you all the way before you saw their value... to only yourself, who have no compassion, only loathing to weaker nations, who have only loathing for the people in stronger nations, all of you deluding yourself you are the victims, who want it all for yourself, for whatever reason you come up with today.

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are the rich who are greedy, who think that it matters which cunt you crawled out of, who believe you are entitled to a better education, to a better life, to more and more and more, who delude yourself you are worth more, more worthy despite the fact that you are only there due to the luck of the genetic lottery, who treat others like furniture, like a tool, who see people who work hard as a commodity, who are already one more logical step away from putting up labor camps, oh, wait... in places like China you already have, who exploit people to the point of illness and death, who spritz yourself with champagne during an evening that costs so much that hundreds of families could live, could not starve, could have a little something...

You are not worthy of mercy.

You are the poor who are complacent, who don't care, who loathe those who dissent, who speak up on your behalf, who sit in front of the television and watch reality television, who masturbate to the thought, the lie, the delusion that you could be one of the pretty people, who worship celebrities instead of ideas, who take pride in stupidity and more pride in your hatred of anybody who tries to think, to educate himself, who vote on race and who you would like to have a beer with, who don't know and don't care about how much power you have as long as you can see those who rule you, rape and fuck you tell you they share of morals of bigotry, your faith of hatred.

You are not worthy of mercy.

I used to have so much of it. Hope. Faith. Mercy.

But not anymore. Thank you for educating me.

There's a storm coming, kids.

This will be my one, my only, my final warning.

When that storm comes, don't count on me.

I have retired from this fight.

Because you have never even started to fight.